Standing Alone One Rainy Sunday

4th September '05, one rainy Sunday.

To the world, it's just another Sunday. A rainy one.

To me, it's the very first in my life on which I stood alone on the street...

Staring at moving crowds.

I stared into my wardrobe for 5 minutes. Those dresses have never seem so dull before. I chose the one brightest in my eyes. My green cantebury polo-tee. Cuz it's green. I put on the most convenient jeans and grabbed the favourite jacket lying on my wooden bed, freshly perfumed with my morning scent, and headed to the living room to put on some make-up. Into the small mirror were my very small and weary eyes, worn out by last night's Tsunami. Then I slipped into my favourite black slippers and left, planning the agenda for the day at the back of my merely working mind. I forgot my breakfast. I don't feel hungry at all, despite having only so little to eat to replenish what I've lost throughout the whole of yesterday. Though I felt so weak and empty in the middle of last night, I couldn't even see myself walking out of my room for a bite. I could merely move my fingers. Then I fell back to sleep. It was painful. Then I woke up early this morning, totally against my will, but I couldn't fall back to sleep anymore. It was really painful too. I'm sick.

I'm out of the house nonetheless. So here's the plan for the day, after much juicing from my almost dry, over-worked brain - I'ma go to pierce my ears at Hereen, then I'll go to church, then... then... And my brain shut down. So what the heck. I headed straight for Hereen anyway.

I was on the train, heading to my destination for the day. I was glancing around for guys. Cute guys. Taller ones, shorter ones, bulkier ones, slimmer ones, and cuter ones. I observed how they behaved. One of them, two, three...many of them. They turned me off. They turned me off more than ever. I'm really sick. I feel empty. Maybe hungry. Maybe it was that empty space within my chest. The substance, the life, which was placed as a love token unto those pair of hands I long so much to hold and touch... the pair of hands I long to hold for life... those embrace that makes me feel home... those that I lost.

I walked towards 77th Street, not expecting any pain from the pierce at all. I felt numb enough to expect that. So I sat down, chose the most eye-catching green stud, and got my ear pierced. I teared a little, and so I felt a little relieved. At least I'm not that numb yet. I went to a tattoo shop next, more hesitantly then that I actually felt pain, to ask for the cost of piercing my ear bone. Sixty bucks for a stainless steel ear jewel and a persistant piercing pain - they do it manually - I said I'll think about it.

Then it was raining very heavily when I was about to leave for The Rock. So I sat near the fountain and stared into space...till the heavy downpour became drizzle.

While queueing for the third service - it was about 2.00pm - I was taking my second dose of meal for the day. It was iced fresh milk for brunch and then some Hockey Pokey thickshake for tea. Plain fresh milk or super rich thickshake, they're awfully tasteless to me. Even my taste buds are dying.

I hunted for the most isolated seat I could find, in case I needed to hide my face, and sat down. This time full of expectations for comfort and hope. At last, I felt like I'm home. It felt more home than the roof that shelters over my head at Hougang. At last, I relaxed for the first time after more than 24 torturous hours. At last, I could pour my hearts out shamelessly. Shamelessly, my veil was lifted and my face was naked and ugly. Anyone who turned around would be able to see the broken pieces on the skin of my face, those drooping eyes... But I didn't care... I didn't feel ashamed... There was no need to... As He understands...

4.00pm and I was standing alone in the departing crowd of the third service. Till next Sunday, I'm homeless again. I'm alone cuz I handed my brother over to my aunty's care. At least for this Sunday. I'm afraid I'm too weak to even smile at him, like how my mother did. And so I walked aimlessly towards the exit of Suntec. Then I passed Life Bookstore and thought, well, why not? So I was in another comfortable place again. Somewhere where I'll feel secure standing alone, somewhere where I could get my mind off ... and concentrate on other pleasant things like those Christian books for at least an hour or so. So I did. More than an hour. Quite a great achievement in spending the hours. I even bought For Women Only: What You Need To Know About The Inner Lives Of Men and The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Committment To Your Mate. I wanna arm myself with all the qualities of the best girlfriend in the whole wide world... I wanna be a much much better girlfriend than what I used to be, u hear me...? I really want to...

Typing away in front of this foreign PC at some cyber corner along the street of Dhoby Ghaut. It's 9.30pm right now. I started at 7.00pm. This is how I spent the last few hours of this rainy Sunday...alone. Where's my next stop? I don't know. But there are a list of things I want to do for a change. I'ma quit my job after my next pay check. I'ma quit clubbing...now. I'ma quit drinking...now. I'ma quit being quick-tempered...now. I'ma quit, NOW, doing things that I regretted doing when I had all that matters the most in my life but have now lost it all in all. I regretted. I really...really...did. I, who strongly didn't believe in regrets, regretted very badly now. So badly I'm feeling so weak and breathless and giddy even typing the word out. I failed. I, who have never admitted failure so far, failed totally. I failed. I failed. I failed...

I saw the wedding bells yesterday...

Now where have tomorrow gone?

I had you walking by my side.

Now I'm standing alone on the endless street...