October Seventeenth :: Phase Four :: The Revolution (M18 - Shocking Facts)

This blog's gonna blow some of your minds. Especially some close friends of mine who thought they knew me well enough. I might even disappoint some. But I shan't hide no more my dear friends. Here's the true Terisa unveiled...

I recited the prayer after my Pastor

I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Saviour

And I am saved

on October Seventeenth, 2004.

The week of October Seventeenth last year, I was strolling along the edge of life and death. I was breathless from the countless pain killers I popped. No...no, I was breathless from the tightness of my chest, suppressed by the relapse of my dearest soul mate - depression. I was drowning. Drowning in the evilish darkness that fell heavily upon the crown of my head. I lost it. I turned my back against God, shamefully. How could I not feel ashamed and still stand before Him, acting like His child? I was trying to kill myself, His creation, His child, right before Him, right after I invited Him into my life on October Seventeenth! I thought I'ma fall way down into hell that very moment, but He didn't let me, He lifted me up. He embraced me in His warmth, His wide, solid arms. In that split moment, I was in His embrace instead. He caught me while I was falling. Believe me, it's a supernatural feeling never in my life felt before. That fatherly embrace, that peace, that overwhelming love and joy...all in a split moment... Now ask me again, why am I such a (what d'ya call it?) religious Christian? No, I'm not at all religious, these are all no rituals to me. This is a relationship that I have longed for all my life - the fatherly relationship, people, that I have never experienced till October Seventeenth, 2004...

October Seventeenth, 2005

And I'm now a one-year-old baby Christian.

One year ago, I nearly lost my life to pain killers *laughs* That was the last attempt. Imagine. I was cured of depression in just ONE night - A split moment of embrace in actual fact. I still find it amazing. Don't you? I never thought I would be cured of it. Never could I imagined or even dreamt of being freed from it, really. I was so held hostage by it - depression. I was even asked to take medication for it, by professionals (a medication to prevent tightness of the chest and hence to prevent breathlessness, caused by depression). No, I rejected it. And yeah, I attempted suicide a number of times before the last one, but that was all in the past. I was held hostage by depression, but I'm a happy lady today, all credits to that one embrace and all praises and glory to my Daddy. He has never ever taken a single step away from me, He has always always been by my side, comforting me, walking me through step by step like His one precious gem, His baby girl. He walked me through my depression, the death of my mum, ALL the trials of my life...the break-up...all the way till today, He has been right by my side and I know he always will be, forevermore. I can't imagine how am I to cope without Him. I wouldn't have been right here typing away if He wasn't there. I would have been burnt into ashes and put into a nice white marble urn long time ago *LOL*

Phase Four :: The Revolution

"The old has passed away and behold, the new has come!"

Whatever you read about me in the above might have shocked you in a way or another (and yes, more shockers to come...). But the old has passed away, and here's my new revolution (aka guidelines and goals) for my brand new life, my brand new year. As you might have guessed (or even if you haven't, I'm telling ya now), October Seventeenth means a whole load of significance to me. That is also why my revolution "officially" starts then :)

Friends who've read my earlier blogs (Phase Two) would know that I've made a number of promises to myself. I haven't kept them in action, but I've kept them close in my heart. Now this revolution is about putting them in actions.

"I wanna stop doing harmful things like these and lose what really matter to me. I wanna start living each and every TODAYs to its fullest!"

"If yesterday hasn't turned out the way you want it to be,

God created TODAY for you to start anew..."

• Quit clubbing, drinking and smoking.

While I was still a maniac, when I still loved clubbing and drinking and smoking all in a package, my dearest best friend aka ex-boyfriend ever asked me, "I don't understand, what's the whole point of clubbing? It's such a waste of money and you get so tired after that..." It's true, I'm for it now. After the break-up, I tried so hard to get my mind of the break-up that I go either clubbing or drinking, and so it comes well with a stick or two, or three or four...almost every night, for almost a month, just recently, when I staggered off my Victor's Lane. I was so wasted. The money so wasted too. My wallet went so drained and dry, my complexion became so dull and I looked so haggard after all the sticks and late nights. One more pointer. I love dancing. So I caught a number of unwanted attention, yes while dancing. Well it's dark in clubs yeah? It's so not healthy, really. I'm now honestly very sick of those kinda attention. They're so unreal, no? So my dear friends who love me, tempt not the lady yeah? Wanna chill? Sure, Coffee Beans & Tea Leaves sounds good?

• Quit the negatives and gain the positives.

How many of you have heard me explained, "cuz I haven't been an easy girlfriend on him"? Yeah, I haven't been. So I'ma quit being a negative person. I believe negative behaviour/actions are habitual actually, they aren't characters you're borned with, neither are they personalities that you can't change. All you need is love *laughs* No? Name all the negative nouns and I won't be them. Bad-temperedness, anger, frustration, impatience, arrogance, proudness, depression, sadness, insecurity, inconfidence, jealousness, madness (Oooh, this is tough ;p) etc etc etc. I wanna be the woman my man dies for, remember? *Grins* My Bible describes that woman as a humble one, who submits to her man, with kindnes, love and loyalty, the woman shall follow her man and be his helper. That woman is also described in our modern society today in the saying, "Behind every successful man, is his supportive woman." Some research here that I read from a self-development book can support that saying. The author, after much researching, concluded in her book that it's very very very important to a man to constantly know that he has a supportive wife at home. He can conquer the world if he knows that his wife respects and appreciates him as the provider of the house and trusts and supports him. Ladies, if you wanna be the woman your man dies for, read more of such books, they're useful indeed :)

"I'm a victor walking along the Victor's Lane, fighting from the victory ground!"

• My goals, my priorities.

Time. After quitting all the unecessary activities as mentioned above, I should prioritise my time to all that matter most to me now. My Daddy comes first *smiles* Love starts from home. Heard of'? Yeah, so my family comes next. If you wanna practice love and wants to know what's true love, practice at home. If you can't even practice love to those blood-related to you, how can you love the one whom you have to get to know from start and work all the differences out from scratch? And next comes my career, which is now my aunt's business. By God's grace and favour, I trust it'll reign :)

Again, from another self-development book I read, the author who's a doctor and also a marriage consultant, defined true love after some research. The "fall in love" experience and true love are two absolutely different stages, he wrote. To "fall in love" is NOT true love. When A "falls in love" with B, A is sexually attracted to B, and it's only natural A feels for B emotionally and desires to be with B and to please B, doing things out of norm. It's natural, not out of pure efforts and choice. By nature, this experience is actually the process of mating (this is what the doc wrote *laughs*). This experience blinds the "in love" couple i.e. they see each other as perfect, they don't focus on each other's differences. However, this unrealistic "fall in love" experience only lasts for approximately two years. At the end of two years, the couple will step back on to reality and start to observe each other's difference. Arguments would then arise and conflicts would then cause scratches in the relationship. This is when they'll make choices - to let go or to put in more efforts to work the differences out and walk on strong together, facing together the forseen and unforseen trials ahead. True love is by choice. And choosing to put in efforts...is true love.

Now here, my next goal, besides becoming the woman in the Bible, my family, my career...my next goal is true love. So I'ma kiss dating goodbye. My next is to be my last, a man after God's heart, and this is my only criteria for him *winks*

So much of my revolution October Seventeenth for now. In fact these goals and revolutions would very much keep me polished till...very long. Haha. Say one, two years? Of course the above pointers are just a summary of what I really have with me (I had them written in my diary about a week ago). Pray your blessings upon me, and I'm on my way! Shalom.

My next is to be my last, a man after God's heart, and this is my only criteria for him...