the stranger in the mirror, the feeling undefined...

I was serving on the same third Sunday, at the same Children's Ministry, of the same church, for the same dearest Daddy & Jesus. The similar faces of servers and preschoolers. The same habitual lateness. And the same attitude. The same attitude? Let me define.

It was one seemingly normal but actually God planned day when a large recruitment drive was held for a few Church Ministries. At that point of time, my want to serve in church had been comfortably living in the back of my brain since God knows when. Hence this was how this God-planned day became the starting point of my service in the Children's Ministry. There were a few in my consideration then - Music, Usher and Children's. I know nuts about music even though it seemed interesting, wasn't that sure if I could do a good job in smiling and talking to strangers as my Lord's good representative, hence children are whom I feel most comfortable and confident handling. Besides, I really adore children. They're simple, real, honest, humble and...fun! Their needs I feel more confident in providing. Always believed that I've got the gift of discernment. This word "discernment" was given to me not too long ago by my brother in Christ, Andrew, when I shared that I seem to be able to read people's emotions, but I wasn't sure what it's called. So he gave me that word. I was very touched and thankful, cuz he assured me that it's not a gift every one else is given. That really meant alot to me. Hence with my gift, I've been believing deep down that handling children, not only providing their physical but also their emotional needs, is my calling from Daddy...until now...

Back to the seemingly similar third Sunday that actually wasn't all that similar afterall. Our leaders decided to combine the junior and senior preschoolers in one room, hence an opportunity for servers of the two teams to work together in the last one, two hours of our service. I observed quite a few obvious differences. The senior team are more systematic in carrying out their activities, like partaking the Holy Communion, praise and worship, Bible story time and prayer time. Partly perhaps the older preschoolers are more attentive and responsive to instructions as compared to the younger ones. Also, the other team's approach towards children is less gentle. In other words, they use firmer tone, sometimes stricter. This is useful in taming a few hyperactive kids. What really surprised me initially, was how a few of the senior preschoolers were so much more active and playful compared to the juniors, even though their age differences are not that big, I would assume. I really liked the other team being systematic yet lively. But also, I didn't quite like the coldness emitted from their eyes, the servers. I didn't feel welcomed when we stepped into their room during the combination. I was very much taken aback by that cold, unwelcomed feeling. In general, I didn't like it there, being combined with the other team. Yes, it did open my eyes to many good methods of handling children and activities and so forth. But I didn't like the FEEL of being in that room with 'em nonetheless.

Here I'd like to share the incident that, I believe, caused the combustion in my brain. I was running all over the room after a super hyperactive boy during praise and worship, also cuz he kept pushing other children while he ran round and round and round. I grabbed him and sorta played with him to keep him within control, right in midst of the praise and worship. Right, that's a wrong position. Then I could sense the worship leader giving me that glance. I could tell straight away he thought I'm not doing it right. So I shoo-ed off. Guess I could not (and cannot) take criticism very well, especially for matters I believe myself in, things I believe I can do right and do well; hence I let the boy off and let him have his freedom to run around. In other words, I stopped caring about the matter. I was thinking at that moment, if the rest of the servers could let him run around like this without caring, ESPECIALLY those big strong male servers, why should I? That glance, it spoke to me as though I've done it wrong. So especially because of that glance, a rush of cold waters flushed my cares down. Worldly thinking me, but well.

Sally, our team leader, held a de-brief with us at the end of the service. She shared something that shook me further. She said the other team shared a tip with us i.e. to get hold of children who are running around, get hold of their attention even for just a while, let 'em go, then try to get hold of their attention again. This is so to lessen distractions and that the class can carry on and absorb as much as they can. At that moment, I don't know, my heart sank. I took it as it was referring to what I had done earlier. I didn't take it very well to be honest. I couldn't tell, in fact, at that moment, why exactly did I feel that way. Perhaps I just really can't take criticism? I have no definite answer myself. Guess the big hit was, I couldn't agree totally with the tip. Perhaps that's why I felt so bugged.

Now, I couldn't agree cuz no standard method can apply to all the children and through all kinds of situation. I'm kinda pissed as well cuz the boy isn't exactly very light and I ain't exactly THAT strong either, to tame a vigorously moving boy. So what were the strong male servers doing then?

Now, I totally agree that I distracted the praise and worship session. Perhaps I would have felt much better if some gentleman could just step forward to help, instead of expecting me to do it all own my own when, APPARENTLY, I was struggling somewhat obviously.

Thirdly, I always believed that the core reason why I serve, besides wanting to do something for Daddy, is cuz I love kids. The above incident wavered my belief. As I've mentioned earlier, I believe I am gifted with the ability to discern, hence I believe I could provide the needs of children, not only physically, but also emotionally. After this incident, which I thought might have hurt my ego, I started to doubt my own beliefs. I started to wonder if serving the children means feeding my ego, means using what I believe is my gift to make myself feel big. I still can't figure out the exact answer...

It's scary how I can be so blinded from my true self, how within a split moment, I began to doubt my own beliefs, whatever I've been believing in for so long. Do I truly love children? Love is a choice, not a feeling... Love is selfless... Love...

I look into the mirror to find out that what I've been looking at the past years is an image I imagined to be. Now I see the true image in the mirror like that of a complete stranger. Should I feel happy? Should I feel distraught? It's a feeling undefined. What exactly is my gift, my calling? I thought I was clear...until...