A True Conviction from the Brokennes of My Heart

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Covered me in Your hands
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I, look to You
And I, wait on You

I sing to You, Lord, a hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You never let me go
Through it all...

All glory and honour to the One who loves me, and died a terrible death on the cross for me.
With His sweat and blood, He redeemed me, delivered me, and gave me His successes.
My beloved Lord and Saviour, CHRIST JESUS.

Three years ago, my mum went Home with the Lord. The separation was very difficult, an experience more than words. The responsibilities that she had passed on to the rest of us was heavy, heavy especially on my aunt. Life went on.

At the funeral, my mum's pastor gave us the verse that Daddy wants me to hold dearly to my heart. Isaiah 54:10 For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but My kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has mercy on you. And it's been carved on the flesh of my heart ever since. It's been the pillar of strength and support for me.

Pastor explained that the hill is like my earthly father, who does not live with us or take care of us; and the mountain, is my mum. Though one was removed and the other, whom had been the shelter over my heart, had departed; as much as I once felt so lost during that season, Daddy has promise to never to let me go through it all. He is the reason that I lived. Literally.

Two weeks back, in midst of the mad rush in completing my last leg for preparing for the big show, a phone call from my grandma with distress in her voice, informed me that my aunt had flown back from Taiwan and was admitted directly into KK Hospital. You know, it was really hard to swallow.

Throwing my work aside, I rushed to the hospital. On my way there, my knees grew weak. I hate the very sight, smell and feel of a hospital. I hate it. Two months of fearing three years ago was more than what I could take. It pushed me to an emotional wreckage, it took me a lot to recover, I was really not ready for another storm.

But what choice did I have? I had no choice but to grit my teeth real hard, clench my fist real tight, and be strong. I had no choice, no allowance to grow weak nor room to break down and cry like a baby. I knew at that very moment, I was faced with the crossroad again. I did not choose to be there. But I had to.

One week of spiritual warfare had finally come to an end. My aunt went Home with the Lord in the end. I watched her, with all the might she could, whispered her last words and took her last few breaths. How my heart tore and bled, words can never tell. She's gone in mere one week. ONE WEEK. So much to say, but all I could tell her was that I loved her very much and she has been my half-mother in the depths of my heart. She gave me her signature warm smile in return, only weaker. That was the last picture that she painted in my memory - the thousand words unspoken. Yet the last picture that I could paint for her, was nothing more than my breaking down in tears, my gut-wrenching sobs, and my regrets. So much that I wished I had done for her. They were all planned at back of my brain. But does it matter anymore? She's gone. Slap me in my face real hard, it still feels like an illusion. But it is true, she IS gone.

If I had taken the first step in converting my plans for her into actions, even one small step every time, could I have made a difference in our lives - mine and my aunt's? I could have. But what wretched man I am! I can only regret now, LIKE A SCAR THAT IS NEVER EVER GOING TO LEAVE ME IN MY WHOLE LIFETIME IN THIS WORLD.

Every single choice/ decision of your words and actions that you are going to plant in the every day lives of your loved ones - EVERY SINGLE BIT of it - IS LIFE-CHANGING.

So my dear friends... Take your first steps TODAY.

For the very day that I called 'today' two weeks ago, looked as usual as any other days in the 23 years of my life. That very day when I was still scurrying on with work, I did not in my wildest imagination expect the phone call from my grandma. Least would I expect after the phone call, that my aunt would leave us within JUST ONE WEEK...

Thus sincerely I say to you, please do not let even a speck of anticipation within you, rob you of your very own beautiful family portrait.

This is a true conviction from the brokennes of my heart...