Phase Two:

Pastor Prince once preached - practice faith, prepare the vessels that oil may fill to the rim of each and every till the very last, though not a single drop is of avail before your eyes (in my own words). Hence I decided right when I was at Life Bookstore on the very lonely Sunday, that I should buy for women only: what you need to know about the inner lives of men and the five love languages...instead of kiss dating goodbye. My life has changed from then. Well not the HOO! HAA! kinda change, but from deep down and within...I've changed.

A slight side-tracking here, bringing this to my dear ladies' attention especially. for women only, which I've bought for only three days and I'm already half-way done, is a VERY IMPORTANT book to women. Serious and no exaggeration here. It's AMAZING, fascinating, breath-taking(!!!) how much you don't know about YOUR MAN, in every positive sense. And by reading this book, I believe you can become THE woman YOUR MAN will die for. Finally, yes I do secretly feel like pinching myself hard on my left and right cheeks for not noticing this book JUST a week earlier...

As you guys could see from my previous blogs, how distraught and devastated I was, specifically from last Saturday 3rd September to the following Monday the 5th. I shan't elaborate on how I felt then besides using the two 'd' words - in full length, breadth, volume and depth. But I have changed... I have...

My eyes burning with the overnight tears of yesterday

My world was ugly and crumbling upon me

My tears ran dry

My vision became clear

Behold

These tulips haven't died

They greeted me with a beautiful smile

the same way they did yesterday

Love is blind. Gee. No, I'd say. Love is beautiful, greeting you with that beautiful smile every day shine or storm, without fail. Tears are those that blinds your eyes, that left you burnt and scorching in pain. Through these three, four days since Saturday the 3rd, I've been burnt, been scorched, been breaking down, been lost... till I reached my limits - the cross-road. I've reached this junction where two separate paths stood before me - one is the downhill, the death valley, and the other is a long sunny pathway that leads to where my beautiful tulip garden lays. I stood still for a moment. I hesitated. I would't deny Death Valley was tempting, cuz it's where people who gives up effortlessly go. But I yearn for those smile too, nonetheless, that sweet tulip fragrance... I was in a dilemma. Yes the options are clear. Who would prefer Death Valley to the beautiful tulip haven? But you don't understand... At that point of time when I was standing at the cross-road, all the strength I felt I had was the strength to throw myself down the hill.

I didn't move till my tears dried up (a smart move ain't it?), that my vision was clear again, and guess what I saw? I saw my Bible on the table. Daddy said "I can't carry your burdens for you, but I can carry you along with all your burdens!" He's been by my side, following me, supporting me, wiping my tears, but I was too blind to see. Guess what I saw next? That soothing smile on my grandmother's pink wrinkled face. She noticed my glum. And then my little brother tugging the corner of my tee, his hands so small and adorable. And then sweet Sabrina who remembered to read my blog and hence noticed I wasn't happy... and Jessica who listened oh so closely... So yes they are! They're my beautiful tulips in the garden...

So you could guess. I chose the long sunny pathway in the end *smiles* Daddy held my hand. He gave me strength, He gave me for women only...(I would say I've never realised how much pleasure reading a good book can give me. Nothing else has ever done such a good job in de-stressing me, really. I'm super blessed!), He gave me the clouds, the rainbow, the birds, just so as to distract me from my open but healing wound. Yes! He loves me THAT much.

The Revelation...

I realised the whole issue here, the fierce battle deep down and within me, doesn't just involve me losing the man whom I strongly believe that I so love and who loves me the same. THAT indeed plays a big part. But it's a personal attack as well. I can't deny I still do believe that I've failed as "his woman". I said I have failed ain't plainly because I lost him as "my man". But it's because, in my own opinion, I lost him BECAUSE I haven't tried my very best and it was too late when I realised that. It doesn't mean I didn't love him enough back then. I loved him to my rim. I truly love, respect, trust, appreciate, want, desire for and am proud of him back then or right now. It's just that I didn't know HOW to love him the way he NEEDS to be loved. But now I secretly and strongly believe that I'm blooming into the woman her man would die for... The old has passed away and behold, the new has come *winks!*

Cheers! Terisa's now in Phase Two. Terisa in Phase One is distraught, devastated, broken, very lost and very unusual. The woman with ego and pride and a testosterone front was brutally torn apart, and she was transformed into just another broken woman all out of love. The Terisa right now, in Phase Two, no longer needs that testosterone mask. She's now the woman almost healed and blooming...

She's now the woman almost healed and blooming...

I've never been so determined about changing. Undeniably, I always believe I need to. But I've never seriously, with enough determination, gotten my arse off the comfortable and familiar seat to consider how to. Not as I have today. Now that I've changed from deep down and within, I want it in practice as well. I've done a lot of reflections, deep thinking and soul-searching after the 3rd. And I mean the REAL deep thinking and REAL soul-searching. Where have I gotten the time from since I work every day 1000h-1900h (and even more)?? I read my good book WHEN EVER I can - on my way to work, on my way home, during lunch, during dinner, during advertisements, before I go to bed... I get myself emersed in the writings like a true hard-core bookworm. I meditate too. Now where have I got the time since I read most of 'em away? Well... in the bathroom. HAHA. Alright alright, before I depart from my bed every morning to embrace the brand new challenges, and of course the candies awaiting, of the brand new day, too. Another Terisa way, is to blog. You noticed? To me, writing has always been one of the best ways to sort out my thoughts and relieve the need to "talk to somebody". In the process of blogging, chunks of thoughts will form and that would be when I sort them out, chew them, grind them, swallow them, digest them and spit 'em out in written forms. After spitting them outa my chest, I'd feel so much better and not only that, it was reflections, deep-thinking and soul-searching in action again. Then I might even get to know myself better - what I want and what I am to do next. Besides self-development, all these led to rapid and steady healing as well. I wouldn't deny I still feel emotionally for the break-up. But the impact ain't that fatal anymore. In fact it has become mild and manageable.

Through these few days of massive reflections, deep-thinking and soul-searching

I've learnt...I've changed...

I live in a beautiful world indeed.

I've changed. I've learnt how to love and love myself. I've learnt what are the true treasures of life and what really does matter to me. I've learnt the values of HOW TO love rather than just love itself. I've learnt that the world that I live in...is indeed a beautiful one. Thank God!

it is not by chance a decision is made

it is by choice

to love or not to love

to hold on or to let go

to make it work or not

"If a man and woman truly in love is also a couple that disagrees all the time, and things just can't seem to get any better... When would be the time when enough is enough?" The answer is, "Never."

these are decisions and choices as well...

Going through all these changes, I've got a decision to make. Here're the options and consequences:

1. To disbelieve and cling on? Very bad for me, quite bad for him.
2. To believe and let go? Sounds good to me.
3. To convince myself into something, neutralise my emotions and move on? Best for a selfish Terisa.

I choose to believe and let go. This decision definitely ain't made out of rash. I've been pondering on it day in day out since the 3rd. I have, as I've said, been massively doing deep-thinking, soul-searching and reflections as often as once every five minutes. To "let go" and to "move on" are two totally different choices made out of two totally different motives altogether, leading to two sets of consequences that are worlds' apart. To MOVE ON, I need to convince myself, magnifying his negative areas to myself, that I may stop feeling so strongly for him. That's when I can selfishly, not considering his feelings, move on. It is to leave him behind. To CLING ON, is to allow an/a obsessive/possesive Terisa to come to life. She'll bug him and throw herself to him and bug him more and wait and wait and wait, till if ever one day he's ready to move on, she's to experience hell. Nah. To LET GO...

To let go doesn't mean I love him any less. As I've described, I love him to the rim - I truly love, respect, trust, appreciate, want, desire for, and am proud of him, before or after the 3rd. In fact, letting go is my way of putting words into practice, it's the HOW part - as it's all about HOW you love your man the way he NEEDS to be loved. I haven't fulfilled the HOW part very well as his woman then, hence I would love to practice it now. Letting go is a way of showing how much I truly love and respect him. So that's what I'm gonna do now. Let go. So that I won't be tying him down (emotionally). So that he can reign. I call this love in practice *smiles*

It's all about how you love your man in the way he needs to be loved by...